


Perhaps this life is just a projection

by buckyjbarnnes



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Birthday Blowjob, Birthday Sex, Captain America: The First Avenger, Come Swallowing, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, Hallucinations, I Don't Even Know, Im not a doctor, M/M, Poor Bucky, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Sex, Violence, World War II, based on real life events, birthday fic, birthday love confessions, bucky gets beaten to a pulp, health related stuff is innacurate, i based this on a post, i modified it tho, its kinda rough idk man, kids make an appearance too, there's a lot going on, they have sex without a condom, they pine for 3 seconds approximately, they say I love you a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-11
Updated: 2017-03-11
Packaged: 2018-10-02 12:06:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10217648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckyjbarnnes/pseuds/buckyjbarnnes
Summary: Bucky is assaulted by a HYDRA soldier during one of the missions with the Howling Commandos. He lives a different reality once he falls unconscious.Maybe the physical pain in reality and in his hallucinations is worth it after what he gets in return.





	

**Author's Note:**

> So today my son Bucky Barnes turns 100 years old. I love him so much, I wrote this instead of reading for my classes. Lmao, anyways, I haven't posted since August because everything I wrote until today was honestly not worth finishing and I've also been busy with university but whatever. I've been planning on writing this since like, maybe December? Obviously not with the birthday theme, but I've been outlining it in my head. I based this on a reddit post about a real story that's very interesting. I swear to God I still can't get it out of my head. Maybe you should read it before you read this fic, so you have a better idea. I'll link the post on the bottom notes. Anyways, there must be a lot of inaccurate things because 1) I'm not a doctor 2) My knowledge on the neuroanatomical matter is not enough to explain what happened to Bucky or the dude on the original story, so I just didn't explain anything lmao 3) This is a fictional story about superheroes, of fucking course there are going to be things that are inaccurate lmao.  
> The OP of the reddit post said that everybody is free to base original stuff from his experience, so this is not plagiarism. And I mean, I'm pretty sure there are a lot of other fics similar to mine, and if there are any coincidences, please take into account that they are not intentional.  
> I truly love your feedback!! Please feel free to comment!! Also, this is the first thing that I've written and posted that's so lengthy, so it would be good if you told me if you liked it or not!! Just... don't be rude, please :( lmao 
> 
> And same as always: English is not my first language, so there might be mistakes here and there. I don't have a beta reader, so all mistakes are mine and tbh guys I didn't check if there were any spelling or grammar mistakes or just any kind of mistakes in general after I finished it... I did this cause it's my favorite character's birthday and of course I wanted him to get dicked down on his day. Anyways!! I hope you enjoy, thank you for clicking!! :) I love you Bucky, Happy birthday <3

It’s March 10th. They’re on a mission somewhere in Europe, taking down a HYDRA base. Everybody has assumed their position and this is not new to any of them. Bucky holds his weapon steady, focuses and is ready to cover Steve in case anyone is trying to attack him from the back. He takes a deep breath, and as Steve fights with the men he finds in his way. He takes down two of them that were way too close for his taste to Steve. He concentrates, and keeps taking down anyone who is a potential threat to anyone in the team, but especially to Steve. He wouldn’t forgive himself if something happened to Steve because he didn’t shoot in time, or because he got distracted. He took what he did very seriously. He knew that the real purpose in his life was to protect Steve at all costs, whether he was skinny or built like a brick wall.

Bucky focused, pulled the trigger, barely breathed when he targeted someone. Steve and the guys were close to finishing with all the men in the base. There weren’t many of them still trying to put up a fight, so he could almost taste the pride of another victory. His lips curved upwards a little bit, thinking of how amazing Steve looked in action, fighting and the enemy. This sight was a good enough birthday gift. He liked the little frown he always had when he fought, when he concentrated. In his opinion, it was always kind of intimidating, even when he was 90 pounds soaking wet. He liked it when he had that frown whenever he and Bucky fought. Maybe that was the only reason he always let Steve win their arguments.

He saw as the guys and Steve approached the base to go inside, and stood up quickly following them. He held his gun steadily against his body while he made way through the bodies lying on the ground and approached the group. Steve was hitting the lock on the door of the base with his shield, while the others settled with their weapons and got ready for any unpleasant surprise waiting for them on the inside.

He listened as Steve’s shield made a metallic noise against the lock, and waited readily for it to break. Suddenly, he was aware of the quick footsteps behind him, but he turned too late and was tackled to the ground by someone. He grunted as he fell and Falsworth turned around immediately, saying something to the others. He barely saw the man above him, because he wasted no time and started to hit him right away until everything Bucky felt was pain, and everything went red. As this happened, he noticed that just behind him at least a dozen other men were approaching. Dum Dum shouted and all of them started trying to take down the men. Bucky was still in the ground trying to fight back despite the brutal assault. He was trying to be precise with what he did in order to do enough damage to leave the man incapable of continuing his attack. He was trying to knee him in the balls, since he was pinned to the ground and had no limbs available to fight back, in order to reach his gun and hit him with its handle across the head to knock him out straight away. Adrenaline rushed through his body, and he kneed the man, not in the balls but in the stomach instead, but he wasn’t so quick. Even when he knew that somehow his strength was enhanced ever since he came out of Zola’s laboratory, the man attacking him was stronger than him, sturdier and perhaps taller. The man took advantage of this to hit Bucky a good couple of times on the face, maybe to put a halt to Bucky’s attempts to stop the whole thing, but mainly because the knee must have hurt. He could taste blood running from his mouth and his nose. The man then choked him while he reached for Bucky’s gun, anticipating what Bucky wanted to do to him, and hitting him across the head with the gun’s handle. The first one didn’t knock him off, but left him dizzy. He could barely breathe because of the blood and the man’s strong grip on his throat. Just as the man raised the gun to hit him again, he barely registered Steve yelling and just before anyone could stop him, he was hit again with the gun and everything went black. He only remembers Steve shouting his name frantically.

What a fucking wonderful way to expend his birthday.

*****

When he woke up, things just didn’t fit in. He opened his eyes slowly, and he was still seeing everything blurry, but it was obvious that what was above him was a ceiling. A white ceiling with a lamp. It was ridiculous because last time he was awake, he was at war, in a HYDRA base, with some dude over him beating him to a pulp. Not in a room. He couldn’t have been unconscious for more than a couple of minutes after he was hit with the gun. Also, there weren’t cities or towns near where they were and Steve might be a fucking superhero but he for sure couldn’t fly, so it was impossible that they took him to a hospital during the time he was unconscious.

His mouth felt like a desert, so he swallowed slowly. He then tried to focus his eyes a little more to sit down, and just then he was aware that he was lying in a bed. Not a cot, not a stretcher. A bed. A really comfortable and warm bed. He wondered if he was in a dream.

He tried to incorporate, and moved slowly because everything hurt so much. When he lifted his head and registered his surroundings, he almost fell unconscious all over again. He was in a room, but not a _normal_ room like he had in his apartment in Brooklyn with Steve. This place had something like a giant screen or whatever on the wall in front of him, a big window, an actual closet, chairs and a fucking little table at the other end of the room, pictures and paintings on the wall and a nightstand with a very weird looking lamp on it. On top of it there were scattered items that he had never seen in his life before. There was this thing connected to a wire to the wall. It was rectangular and had something like glass on the top. It suddenly turned on, and for a second he almost ran for cover because he thought it was a bomb of some sort. It turned off again almost immediately. Right next to that thing were medicines, a glass of water, a receipt, some keys, a wallet, and a portrait. The portrait almost made him fall unconscious once he really looked at it.

In the picture, Steve and Bucky were holding each other close and smiling happily somewhere high with a really nice view. For a moment he thought the people in the picture were just strangers that coincidentally somewhat looked like them, but when he intently stared at it, it became obvious that it was a picture of them. No one could ever dream to have a smile as pretty as Steve’s, and he had known it since he was a little kid not to recognize it. Also Steve looked exactly the same as always, maybe with shorter hair but it was clear that it was him. It took him a minute to recognize himself though, because he was sporting a _bun_ and _stubble_. He then quickly touched his hair, only to find that he indeed had long hair. Then he touched his face, and he felt it. He had a full on _beard_. He was horrified to say the least. He hated those fellas with the long hair he saw sometimes down where the art shops were whenever he went with Steve to pick something up. Why the fuck would he have long hair if he thought it looked so bad. Also why the fuck would he have a beard when the only times he had a _stubble_ were when he was sick and couldn’t move, and that was like, once every 2 years.

This was some kind of fucking joke for sure.

He then looked at the picture again, and leaving out all the details about Steve’s appearance or his, he noticed the way they were holding each other. Steve had both his arms around Bucky’s neck, and Bucky had both his arms around Steve’s waist. What the actual _fuck._ That wasn’t his concern though, because a spark of happiness crossed his heart at the thought of being able to hold Steve like that. His real doubt laid on the fact that clearly, that picture was taken in a public place, in the morning, by someone else. How could that be possible? It just wasn’t because if that really happened, then they both would be in jail, plus the fact that _when_ that would have been taken? Last thing he remembers is falling unconscious on a HYDRA base on fucking Europe, and then he finds himself here. That picture just wasn’t possible. Nothing of this was possible. Steve was head over heels for Agent Carter, and Bucky being in love with Steve was his biggest secret, apart from the fact that he liked men perhaps. They were pals, had always been, had also always been touchy with each other, but that picture right there meant a whole different thing. The dames he danced with, and only them had ever held him like that.

Just as he was about to lose his mind, Steve, _fucking_ Steve, walks in the room and smiles. He says from the door, “You woke up,” and approaches the bed. He sits next to Bucky on the edge of the bed and reaches for his hand to take into his. Bucky is seriously going to lose his mind right now. He must show it, because Steve’s smile is replaced by concern, searching Bucky’s face.

“What’s wrong Buck? Are you in pain?”

He doesn’t answer. He can’t talk. Steve’s grip on his hand is a little bit tighter and he raises his other hand to touch his face.

“Babe? What is it? Are you okay?”

_Babe_. Babe. Babe. The word resonates in his head for a while. He is still unable to talk. Steve’s hand is warm on his face. It is so big and covers almost all of his cheek.

Steve is truly concerned by this point and let’s go of his hand, only to hold his face in both of his hands searching Bucky’s eyes.

“Bucky what is wrong? Why aren’t you talking to me?”

Bucky closes his gaping mouth, and swallows again. Steve’s gaze is too intense. Too much affection and concern in it. Bucky is feeling lightheaded. But he manages to formulate some words, just to brush Steve’s frown of concern off his face, because he seriously looks a second away from screaming.

“I-I’m fine. Just thirsty.”

Steve is still frowning, but reaches for the glass of water. He gives it to Bucky and he practically gulps it in one go while closing his eyes. When he opens his eyes, Steve’s intense stare is still there, concerned but more than anything, curious. He looks like wants to say something.

“Buck are you really okay? I think you need to take your medicine.”

“Medicine for what?”

Steve huffs a little, “For the pain, babe,” then he takes Bucky’s hand in his again.

“What happened to me?”

Steve frowns harder, closer to freaking out than before, but responds in a serene tone nonetheless, “You were ran over by a bike last week…remember?”

Bucky looks at him, and he knows that if he says that he doesn’t, Steve will most certainly lose his shit, so he says he does. “Yeah, right. Sorry, I’m just a bit dizzy or something, that makes me confused.”

Steve sighs and smiles, concern not fully out of his features but he’s calmer and buys it for a moment. He squeezes Bucky’s hand tight. “Yes, I’m sure you must be feeling weird and everything. Sorry if me asking so many questions make you feel bad, I just love you and want you to be fine and you know that.”

Now, the one who is about to lose his shit is Bucky because he had fucking _dreamt_ since he was about 14 years old for Steve to tell him that he loved him. To have Steve hold his hand and call him pet names, and now it all was somehow real. This was all somehow fucking real. If he knew all it took for his dreams to be true was a hard hit to the head, he would’ve done it himself ages ago.

He suddenly realized that he should be holding a normal conversation with Steve, because he was starting to frown again, so pushing his excitement aside, he responded with whatever came to his mind.

“It’s okay. Thank you… I- I just need to rest… I…I love you too.”

Steve just smiled, and any concern was definitely gone from his face. Bucky liked making Steve smile like that. He could get used to that expression being dedicated to him.

“I was going to suggest we watch TV but let’s just go back to sleep. Too early to be up in a Sunday morning for me, and you need it to recover. And by the way? Happy Birthday, baby.”

They could afford TVs now. What the hell.

 

 

Steve made him take his medicines, and as soon as he swallowed the pills on the nightstand, Steve crawled under the covers next to him and spooned him. Steve sighed and closed his eyes, tightening his embrace. Bucky was kind of stiff, but put his hands over Steve’s arms nonetheless. It felt really nice to have Steve hold him. He was starting to relax with the quietness and Steve’s chest rising and falling against his back.

He took in more of what surrounded him. He first looked at the window he was facing. He could barely make out the city’s skyline. No doubt it was New York. He also looked at the paintings that matched the soft brown of the walls. It all looked very elegant and sober. He truly wondered where they found the money to afford all of this.

Steve’s little kisses along his neck distracted him from his thoughts. Bucky froze. His stomach flipped upside down. Steve didn’t notice and continued to kiss him. As he continued his ministrations, Bucky started to relax periodically. It felt really nice. Actually, that was an understatement. It felt fucking amazing. He was starting to turn into putty. Steve kissing him took him out of his worried thoughts as to where he was and what he was doing here and how he got here and all that. His mind was in blank and he felt really good. Like he hadn’t since before he left Brooklyn. Soon enough he was humming, sort of, while squeezing Steve’s arms and pressing closer to him without noticing. It was overwhelming how wonderful it felt to make plausible what he always wanted without being afraid of rejection or being lynched. He had seriously never felt more loved or protected in his whole life. He could seriously get used to this.

He certainly couldn’t understand what was going on fully, but he thought that it didn’t matter, because if he could have this sort of thing, wherever the hell he was, was irrelevant.

Steve’s body felt warm and solid against his. Eventually he stopped kissing Bucky and his breathing was more relaxed. Steve’s lips were still pressed to Bucky’s neck. He had closed his eyes too, because the comfort of having him pressed against his back, of being held, of feeling loved and his utter confusion, ultimately made him feel exhausted. He started to doze off, and his last thought was that if when he woke up again, there was no Steve and no weird contraptions and beautiful paintings on the wall, he could go on with his life happily. He had what he always wanted for a moment, and that made him thankful.

 

*****

 

When he wakes up, he expects to see the last thing that actually made sense. He expects to see the guys and Steve carrying him urgently to take care of his injuries. He expects the smell of wet soil and the sounds of the forest. He expects the horrible pain that comes after a good beating.

None of that happens of course, because he wakes up to the sounds of children’s voices kind of muffled. He hasn’t opened his eyes just yet, but touches what his hands can reach. This a bed. Similar to the one he last woke up in. He opens his eyes slowly, and blinks until he can focus his sight. Another ceiling, with a different lamp on it. He moves his head and sees a much smaller and simpler room than the one he saw last time. There’s still a nightstand, but no weird giant screen-window-glass-whatever the fuck it was on the wall. Some pictures on the walls, of babies and toddlers and people he had never seen before. But of fucking course, he spots one where he’s there with Steve and a dog. They’re on a park smiling widely. They’re hugging each other close and bundled in jackets. It wouldn’t take a genius to notice that they were not holding each other platonically. If Bucky was confused before, he was now about to lose his mind.

The children’s voices came closer and he directed his attention to the door. It opened suddenly, and Steve and two kids stood by it. Steve was the one with a beard now. He looked fucking _hot_. But he barely had time to think that, because the kids yelled “Daddy!” at the same time and jumped on the bed. Steve yelled after them, “Careful guys!” but they mostly ignored him and snuggled under Bucky’s arms and held him tight. Bucky was speechless. He looked at Steve, because where else would he look at in such a situation, but Steve only smiled, pure affection all over his features.

The kids looked up to Bucky. They were both boys. A blond boy with blue eyes and a brunet boy with wide brown eyes. They looked like they were about the same age. The blond one spoke, smiling and very excited, “Daddy! You’re finally home! We drew some cards for you. We missed you so so so so much! I thought you weren’t going to make it home for your birthday!” He then squeezed Bucky tighter around his middle, which caused him pain and he yelped a little bit. The boy looked horrified and apologized repeatedly, asking him if he was okay. Bucky was jaw slacked and couldn’t articulate a word for the life of him. Steve intervened then, and gently said, “It’s okay Teddy, just be more careful. Your daddy left the hospital yesterday, remember?” The kid (Teddy, apparently) nodded obediently and let go a little bit of him. Bucky looked at Steve and then at the boy at loss. He was at the hospital? Why were this kids calling him daddy? Why did Steve let his beard grow? It was March 10th already?

The other kid spoke then, interrupting Bucky’s thoughts. The kid was careful with how tight he held Bucky. “Daddy, I missed you so much. I’m so happy you are back. I love you. Happy Birthday.” He then buried his face in his chest.

Steve still stood at the door, now with his arms crossed across his chest and frowning at Bucky’s reaction, or lack of it.

“Are you okay Buck?”

He already knew how this went. If he didn’t answer or delayed his answer further, Steve would lose his shit. Bucky was supposed to be corresponding the kids’ affection and holding a conversation, so he tried to make sense of everything and be less obvious about his confusion.

“Y-Yeah… I’m fine. I’m sorry, it’s just… I have a bit of a headache, but I’ve missed you guys too. Thank you so much for your wishes.”

He then wrapped his arms around both kids and they both buried their faces further against his chest. They smiled and sighed. He rubbed their backs instinctively and looked down at them. They were really cute, he had to admit. Bucky then looked at Steve, who was no longer frowning and was instead looking at them with a little smile.

“Okay Pete, Teddy, go set the table please. I’ll go in a second, just gonna give your daddy his pills and make sure he goes back to sleep, yeah?” Steve says gently again. The kids squeeze Bucky’s middle lightly, not causing pain. Teddy looks up at him and smiles. “When we come back from school, we’ll make you blow some candles! I promise.” He then disentangles himself from the embrace and exits the room. Peter lingers a little, whispers “Love you daddy, I promise the same as Teddy.” and climbs out of the bed slowly, also exiting the room.

Once they’ve gone, Steve approaches the bed in 3 steps, and leans down to kiss Bucky. For the millionth time, he almost falls unconscious at the gesture. Steve cradles his face with both his hands, and kisses him hard. Bucky has his eyes wide open. He didn’t think that if Steve and he were to ever kiss, it wouldn’t have been quite be like that. He was thoroughly shocked, but just like the last time, if this was the way this was going to happen, he might as well be thankful and take his chance.

He relaxed, closed his eyes, wrapped his hands around Steve’s wrists and kissed back. Steve’s beard felt weird against his lips, and not bad weird, just different. The realization that he was actually kissing _Steve_ though, made him almost shed a tear. This had also been a moment he had dreamt of since his puberty and now was happening. Steve was eager and full of love, kissing him desperately. This had been Bucky’s biggest ambition his entire life. It was almost overwhelming, and it crossed Bucky’s mind that if he was to die that moment, he would go happy.

Steve kissed him and kissed him, for what felt ages. Bucky corresponded and sighed from time to time, almost not believing his luck. Steve tasted like peppermint (he always imagined he would taste like that), and something warm and unique. Steve’s lips were soft and plush against his own, moving slowly. Bucky was drunk with this.

Steve finally broke the kiss, and opened his eyes slowly, looking straight at him. It was too much. Too much love in his eyes. He had never seen that expression directed at him before. He wanted to cry. He looked at Steve, and this time he didn’t advert his eyes. He stared right back at him, and Steve smiled, kissed him briefly once more and let go of his face.

“I love you, Buck. If something happened to you in that accident… well I’d kick your ass for being a reckless dumbass. I know you’ve been in the construction business for a while, but still, you gotta be careful. For all we know, next time you can fall from a fourth floor, you jerk.  “

He was always having accidents somehow in this weird realities. It was fine with him if it meant Steve was going to love him.

“The kids have been very melancholic. They were counting the days! They made you cards and a cake. They love you so much babe. _I_ love you so much. Happy birthday, Bucky.” Steve pecked Bucky on the lips.

He wasn’t dumb, so he assumed that those two kids were supposed to be his sons. He really liked the idea of those two kids being his. Also, despite his body and head aching, this was one of the nicest birthdays he remembers ever having.

“I was counting the days too. I love you guys a lot. Thank you, Stevie.”

Steve smiled, looking at him a little, and finally reached for some pills on the nightstand. He handed them to Bucky and exited the room, to get a glass of water he supposed. He spoke from the bathroom.

“I’ll drop the kids off at school, and come back at noon to check on you. Maybe see if you are alright to get your birthday present from me. Take this pills now though, and try to get some more sleep, okay?”

“Yeah, sure will do.”

Steve came back into the room and waited until he drank the whole glass. He then took Bucky’s hand and kissed it, saying a quick bye, and exiting the room closing the door.

He felt exhausted, even more than the last time this happened, so he relaxed on the bed and listening to the quiet rumbling outside the door. He closed his eyes slowly. He periodically started to doze off, thinking that this is what he would like in a future. This and only this.

 

*****

 

Bucky is conscious again. It doesn’t feel like he just woke up, more like he just opened his eyes from resting them for a while. He’s not in pain like before, his mouth doesn’t feel like a desert, his body doesn’t feel like he’s been beaten like a pulp. He feels intense pleasure. He feels like he may burst from the sensations. He lets a small moan scape, and he opens his eyes, to look what’s going on. Above him is a plain light bulb, exactly like the one in his room. He’s also barely registered that he’s sat on a chair, one that he vividly remembers. It’s the chair Steve uses as a nightstand back in their apartment in Brooklyn. He’s sat on it, with his pants and his underwear down to his ankles. He has his hands buried on someone’s hair; he’s gripping it tightly and it feels so soft against his fingers. A blond head bobs up and down his dick, and of course, that blond head belongs to Steve. The skinny Steve he loved so much. He has his hand wrapped at the base of Bucky’s cock, where he can’t reach with his mouth and his throat.

Steve looks up at him, with those deep blue eyes full blown with lust. Bucky can barely keep his eyes open. He bites his lip and winces a little. There’s a cut on it that bleeds a little. Maybe he got punched. He doesn’t care really though, because Steve suctions on just the head of his dick while looking straight into his eyes, and then mouths the underside vein of his cock, and Bucky forgets all about it. He looks back down again and fits as much of Bucky as he can inside his mouth. Bucky feels Steve’s warm throat expanding around him, until he feels the back of it and throws his head back. Steve starts to surge back slowly, driving Bucky crazy. He’s panting now, letting out a small moan every now and then but biting his lip immediately, drawing blood from the cut every time he does so. As he has his head thrown back, he feels Steve gently use a little teeth on his circumcision scar, which makes him contract his stomach muscles and whine. Steve seems pleased with his reaction, because he sucks harder on his dick, causing it to leak precum and throb. He licks the perfect bead of the liquid as he looks straight up at Bucky. He sighs a little and goes back to biting his lip. Then Steve moves his free hand and touches behind his balls, to which Bucky responds by moaning very loudly and spreading his legs. Steve takes advantage and slips his finger further, touching his hole, making as if he was going to put it inside. Bucky is no longer biting his lip, he can’t control the sounds that come out of his mouth. He’s pretty sure that he’s close to screaming.

Steve leaps at his dick, then sucks hard and plays with Bucky’s hole. He feels like he’s about to come any second. Steve starts humming at the same time he has half of Bucky’s dick inside his mouth, and the vibrations make him groan and pull on Steve’s hair. Steve moans at the gesture. He looks back up to Bucky and now he’s certain that he’s going to lose it soon. Steve must feel it too because Bucky sort of gets harder, so he lets go of his dick with a wet pop and sucks on his balls a little bit. Bucky is close to begging him to continue, but he can’t talk. He’s far too gone at this point.

Steve speaks instead, with his voice hoarse from Bucky’s dick abusing his throat.

“I want you to come inside my mouth,”

He almost comes just from that, so yeah, he’s more than eager to comply. Steve resumes sucking his dick, licking the underside and the head, then sucking hard and moving his tongue in circles. Then again, Steve touches Bucky’s hole while he licks the head of his dick, and he’s coming. His dick throbs, and he’s crying out. He pulls on Steve’s hair hard, and he sighs as he swallows as much of the load as he can. Some of it drips onto his chin, and if it was humanly possible, Bucky would probably come all over again at how _erotic_ the image of Steve was: blown pupils, abused, slick and reddened plush lips, cum on his chin and his hair a complete mess from Bucky’s desperate hands. Steve’s still sucking his dick, and it becomes too much. Not even then he can articulate words to stop him, he just cries out harder and harder every time, and twitches and spasms from his orgasm. Steve finally lets go of his dick and stares at him. Bucky is panting and sweating a little bit. The little punk looks satisfied. Bucky reaches to touch his face, and with his thumb smears the drops of cum on Steve’s chin on his lower lip. Steve lets him, with his lips slightly parted, and when Bucky is done and drops his hand unceremoniously by his side, Steve licks his lip clean while staring straight to Bucky. He barely suppresses a moan and throws his head back. Just then he’s able to finally speak. He’s still able to taste the blood from his cut.

“You are going to kill me,” He says in a hoarse voice.

He hears Steve huff a laugh, and feels how he squeezes his thighs a little. “You’re welcome,”

“Yeah. I never said I’d mind, though.” Bucky says as he looks back at Steve. He just smiles and stands up on wobbly legs.

“I’ll go get a rag. Your lip is bleeding. Damn Buck, you shouldn’t bite it after you’ve been punched on the kisser.”

“Well, it’s kinda hard not to when you do those things with your mouth.”

Steve snorts after that and before he leaves their room, he says “Happy birthday, Buck.”

 Bucky smiles and throws his head back again after he hears Steve rumble around in the kitchen. He decides not to bother with his pants. He closes his eyes, and again, feels himself dozing off. This time he doesn’t feel exhausted, just sated and happy. This was just… too good to be true, so probably it wasn’t, but he got what he had always wanted anyways, and if he was to die after this, he’ll go with no problem whatsoever.

 

****

 

He wakes up again, but this time, just like last, he doesn’t feel like a tank went above him, or like his head is going to explode. His body aches dully, but not in a bad way. It aches like after expending the night with someone. He looks at the lamp above him and confirms that it is definitely a completely different one from the other three times. He incorporates slowly, sitting on the bed. He’s not wearing a shirt. He’s actually able to stand up now, but he takes in what surrounds him first. This room looks elegant, way more than the first one he woke up in. There’s a lot of glass surrounding him, and the screen-like thing on the wall is back, perhaps bigger than the last time. The colors of the room combine, and everything looks really expensive.

He stands up and without a second thought and approaches the nearest window. The city doesn’t look like New York. From what he remembers, this looks like Paris.

The door on the far right opens, and Steve comes out of it, with pants hanging low on his hips. He looks at Bucky and approaches slowly. Bucky smiles at him and waits readily for whatever Steve is up to. Steve’s muscles look accentuated by the shadows in the room, and his blue eyes almost look dark. Bucky’s never loved someone as much as he loves Steve. He’s never desired someone as much as he desires Steve.

When he’s close enough, Bucky is the one to wrap his arms around Steve’s neck, to which the latter responds by circling his waist tightly with his strong arms. Bucky kisses Steve this time, open mouthed, with no hesitation. He doesn’t care what this reality’s context is about. He only cares about Steve’s warm lips on his own, and his tongue grinding with his. He only cares about Steve’s strong arms holding him close.

They kiss passionately, with no rush or pressure on them, like they have all the time in the world. Bucky’s knees are giving in, and he’s hard against Steve’s front. He is hard too, he feels his erection against his left hipbone. He shifts a little, so they can align together and grind against each other. Once their dicks touch through the thin fabric, Bucky sighs a little into the kiss, and Steve makes a sound in the back of his throat. Bucky entangles his hands in Steve’s hair now, gripping the handfuls of it tightly in his hands. They grind some more until Bucky lets out a quiet moan and Steve moves his lips to kiss him on the neck now, sucking and biting on the skin, leaving marks. His hands scratch his back slightly as he bites a little harder and grinds against Bucky some more. Bucky is panting and moaning now, pulling on Steve’s hair harder every time. He wants Steve to wreck him. He struggles to articulate his words, so he says a couple of things that hopefully make his point across.

“Stevie… Stevie, bed…. Please.”

Steve understands and wastes no time walking him backwards, until the back of his knees bump against the mattress. He lets himself fall, Steve going with him smoothly until he’s lying on top of him. Steve kisses his mouth now, and they’re both panting hard. Bucky spreads his legs wide, and Steve takes this as a cue to start moving his hips shamelessly. Bucky swears to God he sees stars. Steve is moaning quietly as they grind their erections together, each time with more force and they aren’t kissing anymore, but panting in each other’s mouths.

Bucky is perhaps a couple of thrusts away from coming, and it occurs to him that he’d like Steve to fuck him. He’s thought of this before, so many times that he’s lost count. He has had wet dreams about this since puberty, and if he could make it plausible, then he wasn’t going to lose his chance. He always wondered how it would be to have Steve inside him. So trying to breathe a little, he expresses his desire (or tries to anyways) to Steve.

“S-Steve….I want you to…I want you to fuck me,”

Steve groans a little and breathes, since his face is so constricted in pain Bucky guesses he must be as close as he is to coming. He wastes no time though, and practically yanks his pants down his hips and does the same with Bucky. He doesn’t really care if this hurts, he just wants Steve to fuck him, to wreck him and leave him feeling sore for at least the next day. He wants to feel Steve inside him, pulsing and coming, claiming his body just like it should’ve always been.

Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt. His guess about having had sex with someone last night, that someone being Steve, when he woke up was right, because if he hadn’t, he’s pretty certain that t is would have been impossible. When Steve pushes the head of his dick inside Bucky, he barely feels h a little sting but he gasps nonetheless. Good thing he likes stuff on the rough side, the slight pain only make him eager for more. Steve moans a little as he pushes himself further inside of him, trying to control himself in order not to come right before he gets any chance to properly fuck Bucky. The realization that Steve’s cock is inside of him nearly make him come untouched, and he starts to pant harder and to urge Steve with his heels on his buttocks to go all the way already.

“Bucky-Buck…wait…you’re too tight…I need a moment-I… or else I’ll come,” Steve pants with his voice husky.

Steve stills for a moment, but continues to penetrate him slowly, until he’s flush against his ass. He stops again there, and kisses Bucky heatedly and then latches onto his neck to keep sucking on marks. Then he pulls out until just the head of his dick is inside of Bucky, and thrusts back in. Bucky cries out at the feeling. Steve starts doing that again and again, and in one particular hard thrust, he grazes Bucky’s prostate. Bucky is certain he screamed when that happened. Steve is no longer biting and sucking his neck, but panting and making needy high-pitched sounds against it while he thrusts harder and harder inside of him. Bucky’s meeting Steve’s thrusts, also rubbing his dick against Steve’s stomach. It only takes one more hard thrust and Bucky is coming. His spine arches and he closes his eyes while he cries out and whimpers, smearing the streaks of come between his and Steve’s stomach. His body spasms and Steve fucks him through his high, every time more erratic. Steve gives two more thrusts, and he’s coming too, shooting inside of him with a loud moan. The warm sensation makes Bucky groan a little. Steve gives two more lazy thrusts and pulls out. He stays there, with his face buried in his neck breathing hard. Bucky still has his eyes closed but runs his hands up and down Steve’s back slowly. He speaks in a low voice after a moment.

“Hey Buck? Happy birthday.”

“Thank you Stevie.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Steve kisses the spot where his mouth is and snuggles closer. Bucky smiles a little and opens his eyes. He starts feeling sleepy again, but looks at Steve’s blond hair, and tangles his fingers in it. He closes his eyes, and is ready to doze off and perhaps find himself in another scenario where his desires and dreams come true. He sighs and runs a hand through Steve’s soft hair again, and everything goes black.

 

****

 

This time, when he feels himself waking up, the pain is unbearable. He feels like he jumped from a window and landed on his face on the asphalt. His head is throbbing, and the sounds he registers confuse him. He hears footsteps, men talking, and shuffling around. He hears someone sniffle a little, like as if they have been crying. He groans when he wakes up completely, everything becoming too overwhelming for him to stand. The rumbling becomes more persistent; the voices talking one over the other and the footsteps becoming faster. He realizes his head is on someone’s lap, and tries opening his eyes to see where he is and who is holding him. The person holding him says his name several times, almost frantically.

The light hurts his eyes, but he looks up at the person above him. It’s Steve. Steve with his Captain America helmet off, and his hair sticking everywhere. Concern is all over his face, with his eyes a little bit red rimmed. He moves his hand to touch the sides of Bucky’s head, and says his name almost hysterically.

“Bucky! Bucky, oh my God. Bucky you almost killed all of us of a scare, you jerk. Fuck, I almost passed out I think. You were out for like 2 minutes! What the hell!”

Bucky is still too dizzy to register anything more than Steve’s voice and his image above him. He wants to respond with something coherent, but just a groan comes out. He tries to move his hands, but is unable to do so, too.  So he’s back to his reality again. He didn’t like it one bit. All of what he experienced happened within 2 minutes, so none of it was real. He half hoped it happened someway, but it was too good to be true.

“Don’t move Buck. We’ll carry you to that jeep right there and we’ll drive back to the nearest base for the medics to check you. The guys are just retrieving useful things from inside and then we can go. It’s not gonna take long.”

Steve pats his cheek gently, and yells something to one of the guys. Bucky’s finally able to articulate some words, and the first thing he says is, “I think my ribs are broken,” to which Steve looks back at him, worried and calls Gabe to help him lift Bucky to the jeep.

“Okay Buck, this is gonna hurt a lot. But you’ll be fine, I promise.”

Indeed, when they lift him, he feels as if he’s being beaten again. He groans, and they put him in the back seat of the jeep. The light still hurts his eyes, and his head feels like it is about to explode. Steve hops on the passenger side, and Dum Dum sits on the driver’s seat. He hears the engine of another car start right behind them, and just like that, the sky above him is moving. They’re going at a high speed, it seems. He doesn’t notice Steve turning around every couple of minutes to check on him.

He doesn’t remember much after that. It’s all a blurry confusion. He does know though, that all the time he heard Steve’s voice.  Next time he’s fully conscious, he has gauze around his head, and he can barely open one of his eyes. He registers the place with his sight. It looks a lot like a medical tent, and perhaps it is. There are other beds, but all of them are empty. The light barely reaches through the tent flap, and he’s thankful for that, because he’s certain that it’ll kill him.

Everything hurts so fucking much. But at least he is relatively fine. He’s thankful for that. Despite the dull headache, and all the other shit, he is concerned about where Steve was. And just as he thought that, Steve walks through the tent flap and smiles when he sees him awake. Bucky tries to smile back.  Steve speaks quietly to him.

“Buck, you’re awake. How are you feeling?”

“Like shit, but its bearable.”

“You need to rest. The doctor told me that the pills and some rest will make your headache better.”

“Yeah, thanks Steve.”

In this reality he didn’t have what he had gotten used to the last four times he woke up. He didn’t have Steve holding his hand and kissing it, or telling him that he loved him. He felt like he lost something, and the worst part of it, is that he had nothing to begin with. He was pissed off, and he felt like a selfish child for it.

“Are you okay?”

Steve’s words of concern interrupt his brooding, and Bucky looks straight at him. Perhaps is the hard blow to the head making him not really think about what he’s doing, but he thinks that honestly, it’s still his birthday and things couldn’t go more wrong than they already were.

“Steve, I love you.”

Steve goes red instantly. He looks like a tomato suddenly, Bucky finds his capability of getting embarrassed amusing. Steve starts to ramble a little bit.

“I-I-Bucky, What? Bucky, I think you are still confused. I think you should sleep. Actually, I’ll call the doctor-“

“Steve. I’m fine. I mean it, I love you.”

Steve stares at Bucky, wide eyed. Steve was definitely not expecting this, and he looks like he doesn’t know what to say. Bucky slowly reaches for Steve’s hand and takes it in his.

“Look, I know this may be fucked up because well, I just got my head busted by some crazy motherfucker and then I told you this. By the way, I hope you fucked up that bastard, he really hurt me. Anyways, I think the head trauma is what is making me say this out loud, but yeah, I’m in love with you. I’m a fucking invert too, but hey, what’s new. And if you are so disturbed that you might wanna run, then pretend I never said this, as my birthday gift, because it is still my fucking birthday.”

Steve’s jaw is now slack. He’s lost and overwhelmed and red. Bucky almost laughs at his expression, he looks adorable. Steve doesn’t know what to do or say, that’s very clear. So he takes the initiative and reaches for Steve’s hand. He holds it, like Steve did in his hallucination, and waits a moment before asking.

“So…what do you think?”

Steve looks down at their hands clasped together, and back up at Bucky again. He still looks nervous but smiles shyly.

“I-I think its fine. I like this.” He squeezes Bucky’s hand and looks down again and quietly says, “I love you too.”

Now he wasn’t expecting that either. He was thoroughly convinced Steve loved Peggy. And just as he thought that, he addressed exactly that point. He was starting to wonder if Steve was a psychic of some sort.

“Before you ask about me and Peggy, I…I never thought this right here,” Steve gestures to their hands entwined, “was possible. So yeah, I thought being with her was something I ought to do for my own good and yours.”

“I understand Stevie. I would never hold it against you.”

“I love you and only you though, please never forget that.”

They look at each other with smiles on their faces. Bucky tries anyways, he is too swollen and sore to move his face much. This physical pain was worth what it brought. He only thought it was sad that he had to be beaten to a literal pulp to confess this. He should’ve done it before.

“Want me to tell you something?”

“Yeah, what’s it?”

“I hallucinated all through the time I was unconscious. I hallucinated some weird fucking realities. We were a couple in all of them.”

Steve huffs out a laugh, and says, “Tell me about them,”

“Well, in one of them we lived in a real fancy place. In another one we had _kids_  and you had a _beard._ The other ones I’ll save for later when we’re in a private place and I can actually move.”

Bucky tries to wiggle his eyebrows but barely moves one of them and winces at how much it hurts. Steve laughs and turns a bit pink again. He starts telling him the details of the first ones, and he listens intently, sometimes squeezing Bucky’s hand.

“They were really nice. I wish I could make them become true.”

“We can when all this shitty war ends. If we really want to, we can.”

Bucky smiles again, and asks “Hey Stevie?”

“Yeah Buck?”

“Would you kiss me?”

Steve looks back at the tent flap just in case someone is about to walk in and catch them in this situation. He stands up from the cot next to Bucky’s bed, and gives him a small chaste kiss on the lips. It’s not like they can kiss like when they did on his dreams or whatever they were. He has his face swollen and head trauma and a mauled body, anyways. Steve’s lips are just as warm and soft as when he kissed him in his mind. It feels better somehow. Steve breaks the kiss, but never lets go of Bucky’s hand. He sits back down on the cot and smiles.

“Thank you Stevie.”

“Happy birthday, Buck. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

 

*****

 

Bucky is 100 years old this year. Steve makes fun of him, and has a cake ready for him when he comes out of cryo. He also gives him a big kiss, and Bucky finds himself smiling, _truly_ smiling after a long time. Steve always had that effect on him.

It’s true it takes them seven decades to make real what they wanted. They’re no longer at War, but they are still just as far away from home and have just as many problems as they had in the 40’s. Still, if they had each other they felt complete. They have gone through a lot and are different people in the present, but they still love each other. Nothing could ever break them apart.

**Author's Note:**

> Link to the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/oc7rc/have_you_ever_felt_a_deep_personal_connection_to/c3g4ot3/


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